I’m Sorry

Last weekend was busier than normal, so my wife and I went to mass at a church we don’t regularly attend. As we sat and prayed, preparing for mass, a lady walked in with two young children. The little girl was about two years old and her older brother about three. If I had to guess, their breakfast consisted of a bowl of sugar, washed down with a large cup of strong black coffee and a Five Hour Energy. To say they were wired would be an understatement. People on the other side of the church new exactly what these precious children were thinking at all times, because each and every thought that flitted through their caffeinated minds came out their mouth at full volume.

When I see children misbehave as these were, I always observe the parents. Several times the mother would say, “SHHHH!”, but as she did she looked at the people behind her from the corner of her eye, not at her children. It appeared she was doing this more for the people around her than for the children. It was as if this gave her the credibility to say she had tried. Her admonitions, however, were never followed up with consequences or a stated expectation of behavior. The children would beg, loudly, to be picked up. Once picked up they would squirm uncontrollably, then scream until they were put down. Not once did the mother attempt to stop this behavior.

It would have been easy to overlook this behavior had it not been for something the mother said. When we got to the part of mass where we greet those around us, the mother turned to the people behind her and said very loudly and clearly, “I’m sorry, but they are going to be like this the entire mass.” And just like that, in her mind, she had absolved herself of the responsibility to discipline her children. When the father joined them a bit later on, things did not improve. It was clear who ran that house, and it was not the parents.

I’m not unsympathetic to parents with high energy children. Having raised three of our own I realize this energy is a gift, but it must be directed toward constructive purposes. We did this by setting boundaries and enforcing them. For years my wife refused to sit anyplace except the back of the church. As soon as one of our children even looked like they were going to make a fuss, my wife or I would take them to the cry room or the foyer. It was several years before we sat through an entire mass together. One day my wife told the girls, who were five and three, if they behaved, next week we would sit in the front. They did and my wife reluctantly, very reluctantly, kept her word. We were amazed at the girls behavior. For the first time they could see everything. They were very attentive throughout the whole mass, and remained so for years. Four years later when our son was born, it was back to the cry room.

Taking our children to church was very important to us. It was also important to not let our children distract those around us. By us setting and enforcing boundaries, our children learned how to behave, not only in church, but everywhere we took them. Often, strangers would comment on how well behaved our children were. When that happened I would always give credit to my wife. She was the one who spent most of her time with them.

For the record, I’m not totally without compassion. Once I’ve assessed the situation and taken a few minutes to get over my “Well, I never…” reactions, I say a prayer for the family. I don’t know what their situation is. What I consider abherrent behavior may be good behavior for them. And if I’ve ever done or said anything to offend a struggling parent, well, I’m sorry.